Please Help Me

Please

Does anyone have a hard time saying this word? I mean, of course, I can say it. “Can you hand me that, please. Can you scoot over, please.” It’s not a hard word to say, but why is it so hard to say when I really mean it? Why does saying please make me feel like I’m begging for something? Once upon a time, I would’ve willingly begged for something, but as I get older it just gets harder and harder. I suddenly feel like a weak link when I say please. The little, insecure girl inside of me starts to claw her way to surface and I panic and shove her back below the water.

Help Me

“Can you help me move this? Will you help me do this?” Such a simple phrase yet so hard to understand. Asking for help for little things is easy, but actually needing it can make a world of a difference. There’s a fear of rejection when you ask for help. What if the person doesn’t help you? What if you sound too needy? What if you don’t know why you need help but you just know that you need it? There never seems to be any answers to the ‘what if’s’ behind this phrase.

Read the rest here.

And All I Could Do Was Cry

So I have reached my breaking point.

Everything was going so well for me. I mean, time management was a little hard, but other than that life was good. It wasn’t the best but it wasn’t the worst. I could deal with the things that were thrown my way, I was very contempt. I got a job interview, I started writing again, everything seemed to fall into place. And then it happened.

I tried to convince myself that it would stay good, but the more I convinced myself, the easier it became to notice the bad.

This morning I was notified that there was a mistake on my financial aid and I would have to repay a large sum of money. Of course, I kept my composure, but the second I stepped outside of the building all hell broke loose. I was hysterical. Seriously, I kid you not, I probably looked crazy. I was walking with inhumane speed. There were waterfalls coming down my face, I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a waterfall of snot running down my face either. It was drizzling outside, the wind was so forceful that it was howling. If the weather wasn’t already like that before I went into the meeting, I would’ve been convinced that I was the one altering the weather with my emotions. Anyway, I called my cousin immediately, because she is my best friend and I trust her with my life.

(Quick shout out to my cousin Nouchi Yang who left in the middle of a lecture to calm me down. She is honestly the sweetest, most selfless person I have ever met in my entire life.)

All I could do was cry and apologize; I’m pretty sure I apologized more than I cried. I felt so sorry for calling her in the middle of class but I didn’t know what to do and who to call. Of course, she was probably a little scared because I rarely ever cry, but even then she yelled at me. “Stop apologizing stupid, it’s not your fault,” are her exact words. Eventually, I got off the phone with her and had some deep thinking to do.

I know what I need to do and I understand the consequences I have to face, but yet all I could do was cry.

Read the rest here. 

 

Trials, Tribulations, and the Art of Letting Go

Inhale.

Sit yourself down and breath.Count to ten.

Enjoy those few moments and just simply focus on breathing. Now, come to understand that you’ve had your trials and tribulations. Your patience has been tested, you’ve endured as much as you can, now you have to let go. Of course, it’s going to be hard; coming to the conclusion is hard itself. The most you can do is prepare yourself for the outcome.

Exhale.

Letting go of someone or something is probably the hardest decision you can come across. Every step leading to that moment has counted towards something. Whether you hang on tighter or you slowly let go depends solely on you. You don’t just wake up one morning and decide to let the things in your life go, there’s a reason. Find that reason and make sure it’s a damn good reason so you don’t regret it in the future.

Hold your breath.

Before you say your last goodbyes, hold on to this memory and remind yourself it’s for the better. You’ve come to a conclusion, after many sleepless nights and emotional roller coasters, you’re finally ready to face the truth. Take this moment to cherish the person or item for everything it’s given and taken from you.

Let it Burn.

You know you’re letting go and you know there’s no going back. Let that thought burn you; allow it to stain you so that it will hurt much less in the future. It will be a permanent scar that was earned through trials and tribulations, but a scar none the less.

Finally, Let it go.

Everyone knows that you never really let go when you say you’re letting go. It takes time, patience, and a lot of self-convincing. Once you’ve gone through all the emotions, you reach a point of breaking, also known as the burn, and you know you’re on the path of letting go. Like I said, it’s a process, a long, torturous process.

Collect yourself and smile.

One day, you will really be over it all. It’ll be painful at first, but if you continue living the day, no matter how long the day is, it’ll all get easier. You’ll get busy, you’ll want to be happy again, you’ll be motivated to take the change and make something of it. So, smile because it was worth it.

“Let it hurt then let it go.”

– R.H Sin

Improve Yourself

Self-Motivation.

I’m at this point in my life where I need to stop relying on other people to make me successful. As a kid, I relied on my siblings and my parents; when I had troubles, they found solutions. Since I was the baby of the family for a good seven years, before my little sister came along, I got used to the feeling of security. I never had to think for myself. I mean, of course, I had to do things on my own, but I always waited for their direction or motivation. Now that I am on my own, I realize that I need to motivate myself.

Do what you need to do to make yourself successful and don’t stop until your dreams become your reality. Cliche right, but it’s good motivation. I’ve realized how lazy I really am. I’ve done little to nothing to succeed and I’ve waited for direction and confirmation since I’ve entered college. I was so busy looking for some type of guidance, waiting for something or someone to find me and “save me” that I didn’t even realize I wasted most of my success by waiting. Now, I’m not saying patience isn’t important. We all know patience is a virtue, but don’t use it as an excuse.

“Working on myself, for myself, by myself.” 

That is my mantra for the rest of 2017. Like most people, my 2016 was not the best and now that we’re a good two and a half months into the new year, I know what I want. Don’t go searching for motivation in things and people that will only chain you to the ground. Find your own motivation within yourself. Trust in yourself, believe in yourself, and love yourself enough to make your dreams a reality. Do good things for yourself and then be patient. Don’t sit around and do nothing and act patient. Good things come to those who wait, but good things only come when you’ve done good. Don’t mistake laziness for patience and don’t do good just to receive good. Make sure your head and your heart is in the right place and life will turn out pretty okay for you.

“Until you value yourself, you won’t value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it. ”
– M. Scott Peck

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

Skies are blue.

But they are blue here on Earth too. Don’t go looking for a happily ever after in a place that you’ve only dreamed about.

Life gets hard, bad things happen, but please don’t ever feel like death is the only way out. Suicide is not your only answer.

Never has the words “suicide” and “death” been so prominent in my vocabulary until I’ve reached college. It’s amazing at how many times I’ve learned about a student death since being here. As fun and exciting as college is, it definitely does have its downside. I wish I could say that the college life is always so green and happy but it isn’t.  Sometimes reality yanks you back and you realize that life can be just as shitty as it is happy.

You’ll never know who is thinking about committing suicide. It could be your best friend, your roommate, your friend, or your friend’s friend. People I would’ve never suspected were the ones to actually do it. These thoughts don’t pick and chose their next host, it flows through all of us at least once. Whether it be the pressure of peers, school, or family, it all roots from the same place- a sense of alienation and a feeling of no real choice.

Although I do not support the decision, I understand.  I understand you, and I understand the helplessness, but I urge you to seek another alternative. Find a friend, aunt, uncle, mentor, etc. and tell them your thoughts even if it was just a split second. It isn’t a joke, and it shouldn’t be treated as one.

If you feel like there’s no one to help, please call this line:

 1-800-273-8255.

It’s better to talk to a stranger than to try and make a decision by talking to yourself. If you know someone who is thinking about it, refer them to this site or help them by educating yourself through the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

To all my loved ones that have gone out through suicide and everyone else who felt that it was their only way out, I understand. To all of my love ones that are thinking about it and everyone else who has ever had the thoughts, you are not alone; please seek out alternatives and know that you are not alone.

“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey. “

~Kenji Miyazawa

Dear Lonely Ones

To my forever alone people,

Let’s just all take a moment here to acknowledge our loneliness and cry.

Alright, now that we’ve got our ugly crying out of the way, pick yourself back up, pat yourself on the back, and remind yourself that you are one bad ass individual who doesn’t need anyone but yourself. 

Now that we have overcome those two steps, let’s get down to business. Being in college is pretty lonely, if I were being honest. If you don’t have a significant other, and a very small friend group, life can just stall sometimes. Since Valentine’s Day is coming up pretty soon you’ll be able to feel the lonelinessx10. That’s why I’m here to pick up all the pieces or at least try to.

It’s okay to be lonely.

When you are lonely, you have time to think. Although most thinking can be dangerous, it can also help you see the light. You’ll realize so much about yourself and the people around you. If you can realize the value in those thoughts you can see the positive side of it all.

You’ll come to cherish yourself a little bit more. Think of this loneliness as a way to build yourself. I know in today’s society, a lot of people believe that in order to build yourself you need to do it with someone special. I’m here to tell you that’s not true at all. Although it may be nice to have someone there to support you and grow with you, it isn’t needed to help you grow. Grow as an individual and figure out what you like and don’t like. Find out what you love about yourself and what you don’t love. Take this time to find your self-worth so that you will always know your worth with or without a significant other.

Pamper your loneliness. Nurture it and acknowledge it so that in the future you will know exactly how to deal with it. Sometimes all you need to do is encourage your loneliness so you can go on an adventure of self-exploring. Of course, I’m not telling you to be lonely forever and just mope. What I’m saying is don’t ignore it and pretend you’re happy. You can fake it as much as you want but eventually someone, maybe even yourself, will call you out on it.

All in all, loneliness is normal.

If you find yourself feeling a little lonely, take advantage of it to improve something. If you’re feeling a little lonely on Valentine’s day, become your own valentine and pamper yourself. One day the loneliness will end because you did something about it, so be proud of that.

Sincerely,

The loneliness one of all.

Just kidding. I’m pretty content with myself and life right now… I think.

“Sometimes you just have to stand alone  just to make sure you still can.” 

-Unknown

Friend or Foe?

Are you my friend or are you a foe?

College is a place where you test the waterworks of adulthood, at least that’s what I was told. See, I assumed it would be a place where you get to explore who you are or who you want to be. I never realized it also showed who you could carry and who you had to drop. Lately, I’ve learned a lesson or two about friendship and how I function in that particular relationship. As much as I want to say that I am the better friend, I know it’s a complete lie.

You see, when you attend college, you never really know how to react to people. You would like to think that the people you spend every day with will develop a bond that is almost protective of you. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case. You have to realize that when you first meet a person, you both still have that “dog eat dog” mentality. You want to trust that this person is being your friend, but you also realize you don’t know enough about them, which automatically defaults them to a foe. As sad as that is, I guess we just have to realize that we are just selfish individuals.

Now, with that being said, not all foes will stay as foes. People are this way, especially in our generation, because we don’t really know what loyalty is. We’ve never been shown what a true relationship is because we’re always competing to be the best. I’m not saying I’m some expert psychologist, but within my experiences, this is the mentality of us all. As much as it sucks, we just need to realize that patience is key.

Be patient with me and I’ll return the favor.

I’ve learned that people crave loyalty and a sense of belonging. No matter what happens, if you truly feel like a friendship can last, continue to show that loyalty until you can no longer do it. If they eventually return the loyalty, then you both win. If they don’t, and you know you’ve given all that you could, just turn around and walk away. When you’re gone, they’ll realize what they lost one day and go searching for another you. Friend or foe, you can always tell and if you can’t, just be patient and time will tell.

“I think I might keep you. You understand me.” 

-My best friend